Aug 1 / Michelle Loucadoux

Why Can't Some Dancers Take a Compliment?

"Marylee, that arabesque was stunning."

I waited while I watched the previously confident 15-year-old ballet dancer wither under the pressure of my simple compliment.

"I just have a flexible back," she replied.

I nodded. "But, you've also worked very hard," I said as I walked to the sound system to stop the music.

I knew this game well. I like to call it compliment dodge ball and I had been on both sides of it. 

I started to wonder, as I often do, just why can't some dancers take a compliment? 

Compliments by the Numbers

A company called Preply surveyed 1,991 Americans from January 10 to 15, 2024, about how they give and receive compliments. Respondents ranged in age from 18 to 76 years old, and were 49% female, 49% male, and 2% nonbinary. Their survey found one major thing:

The majority of Americans (70%) report feeling uncomfortable receiving compliments.

I looked back at Marylee and thought, 'Well, at least she isn't alone.'

In fact, according to the Preply survey, giving compliments was even difficult for Americans. Fully 43% of those surveyed reported that it was difficult for them to give a compliment. 

That's a lot of missed opportunity. Why? 

Compliments are good for us

Research suggests that compliments may help us learn new motor skills and solidify new behaviors. We all know that most of us want to learn more when we receive praise because that praise motivates us to participate more in that activity. But, compliments could even help us retain movement information as well. 

Additionally, and I think many of us have read this study, but neuroscientists have even shown that the brain processes verbal affirmations similarly to financial rewards. The same parts of our brain light up when we receive a compliment as when we receive cash money. Win the lottery, get a compliment on our arabesque placement - surprisingly, very similar in our brains.

Even if we aren't receiving compliments, we can still reap benefits by giving them. Giving compliments trains our brains to look for the positive. But, did you also know that giving compliments increases your stress resilience and physical health?

Complimenting dancers is basically a real-life gratitude practice out loud. And gratitude can reduce depression symptoms — people with a grateful mindset report higher satisfaction with life, strong social relationships and more self-esteem than those who don’t practice gratitude.

Why we have trouble accepting compliments

Why can't some dancers take a compliment? Two words: cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is "a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person holds two related but contradictory cognitions or thoughts". For instance, if a dancer thinks their arabesque is “bad” and we give them a compliment on their arabesque, they could show signs of discomfort because of this cognitive dissonance.

Because dancers can’t choose whether we give them a compliment or not (unless they ask us not to which has totally happened to me before), they can only change their belief that they are, in fact, worthy of our praise, or live with the uncomfortable juxtaposition of their low self-esteem and our appreciation for their efforts. 

Hopefully, our compliments will slowly but surely wear away at their low self-esteem. 

But, in the words of psychologist and author Guy Winch: “People with low self-esteem are often uncomfortable receiving compliments but not everyone who is uncomfortable receiving compliments necessarily has low self-esteem.”

There might be another factor involved…

Societal expectations and compliment acceptance

Many people, particularly in the U.S. and the U.K., raise their young humans to be extremely humble. Partially because they're worried about how others will view them.

Emmalee Bierly, a licensed marriage and family therapist, co-owner of The Therapy Group in Pennsylvania says, “We’re taught that accepting a compliment may even change how people view us, she added. There’s a false idea that your gratitude will be mistaken as vanity. And for women and girls, this viewpoint can be even more intense. Especially as women are socialized in this country, we are so worried about looking self-centered or overly confident. We’re so scared about what that could possibly mean for us. I accept the compliment, then I’m ‘full of myself.”

Our need to be liked as humans, to be accepted by our social groups (particularly during a time like adolescence when this is particularly important to us), can lead us to shun compliments because we don’t want people to think we’re egotistical. Or because we have been burned for doing so in the past. 

One of the ways to dole out compliments to dancers who you suspect might be struggling with this form of compliment acceptance might be to offer them in written form. I send short messages to my dancers after class with one thing I saw them doing well in class. 

Helping dancers hear the good things

One good way to teach dancers to take a compliment is the compliment circle. While it's often uncomfortable at first, it can help dancers practice truly hearing the good things about themselves. First, ask dancers to sit in a circle and then complete the following steps: 

  • Establish eye contact with the person next to you
  • Give a compliment (steering away from all physical compliments)
  • Maintain eye contact with the compliment recipient while they say "thank you"
  • Wait 5 seconds
  • Continue around the circle
  • Finally, be sure not to stop the circle before you force yourself to receive a compliment, dance educators. What we model, our dancers emulate. 

Final Thoughts

While we probably won't all get to a spot where we're all completely comfortable receiving compliments (students AND teachers), we can work on recognizing why it is difficult and practice learning to love ourselves just a little more.

Michelle Loucadoux

Michelle Loucadoux has performed in 5 Broadway shows including The Little Mermaid – OBC, Ariel u/s; Anything Goes – Hope Harcourt u/s; Mary Poppins – OBC, Beauty and the Beast (Babette u/s), & Chance and Chemistry. She danced in 4 ballet companies, on film and television, and has traveled the world empowering young artists. Michelle is the co-chair of the dance division at AMDA, is a published author (Rowman & Littlefield – I’m Talented, Now What? - 2020), has an MBA, is a mom, and is passionate about dancer mental health. 
Dance teachers: Want to help your dancers learn to craft more positive self-talk habits so they can start to hear the good things you have to say? 

Schedule a Danscend virtual mental wellness workshop!
Write your awesome label here.